"All that mankind has done, thought, gained or been: it is lying as in magic preservation in the pages of books."
-Thomas Carlyle

by Mairnéalach

2,000 years ago in human history, the person who created us sent his own son to live with us. We hated the son's arrogance and we killed him for it. Three days later, his father raised him from the dead. Due to all these things which he has done, I will live forever with him in heaven. I would have to be a fool to say otherwise.

Baptist Translation

When I was five years old, I believed that Jesus died for me, because my momma and the preacher had taught me well. I walked up the aisle of my good old Baptist church, made a profession of faith, and was baptized. When I was sixteen years old, I went to a really fun Baptist youth camp, where I began to wonder if I was really a Christian. I rededicated my life to Jesus and got baptized again just in case. When I was thirty years old, I had a son of my own, which prompted me to wonder if I was really a Christian. Rather than get baptized again, I realized that Christ's blood was amazing stuff and had always been amazing stuff. That prompted me to begin praising God just about all the time. Unfortunately while this was going on, I had joined the Lutherans, who drink beer and dance, so my salvation may be in danger. But the blood may yet triumph over the beer, so perhaps I will escape, though through the flames.

Eastern Translation

Although I was subject to the errant traditions of the schismatic westerners, I did hear about the Lord as a young boy, and he did begin to ransom me from my captivity. Through this humble means I embarked upon a course of Theosis, which was at many points frustrated. My latest and most remarkable development has been my own fatherhood, which has made me to reflect upon the glorious fatherhood of God himself. Through this means I have pursued Theosis with even more zeal. Today I continue to worship him in my humble fashion. Perhaps I will rejoin the true church of the apostles some day, if a good Orthodox man comes across my path to enlighten me.

Emergent Translation

I was raised in a little country church, and I worshipped there in spirit and truth. This was before Starbucks, and the whole paradigm change. I really didn't have my stuff together for a long time. I married a great girl, but she just didn't want to have anything to do with God, and we're divorced. I replicated, however, which was awesome, and little man really made me look at my life. I got really into Jehovah God and being into authentic community. Even though I still don't listen to indie bands, which is a big problem, at least I am like, really seeking God. I'm a little bit yesterday in terms of my tastes for worship experience, but hey, if that's my thing then it's all cool, you know? It's all about the mission, man. Peace.

Evangelical Translation

I got saved when I was five. I had a really good bible teacher in Sunday School. I strayed and stopped reading my bible in college. I even began believing some of the stuff they taught there, which was a real problem. But thankfully, after I had married and had a son, I started reading my bible again. I even started going to church again. I'm still reading my bible, and I even know some of it now! Praise God and pass the concordance.

Lutheran Translation

I was raised in the church and from an early age took the Lord's supper in faith regularly. I also followed Christ in faithful baptism. I struggled mightily with my sins for years and years, often questioning my faith, and sinning with amazing frequency and sometimes grievous consequence. However, God was faithful to me and did not abandon me to apostasy. After I had my own son and became convicted of my utter need to be in communion with the Church, He has even brought me safely into the fold of the evangelicals of Augsburg, where I feast upon the Lord's body and blood whenever I can get it. Hallelujah! Oops, I just sinned again. Pass the beer.

Presbyterian Translation

Almighty God, in his wisdom, ordained that I should hear about Jesus Christ as a child and believe upon him. I was baptized at the age of five. However, God had ordained that I would be subject to mighty struggles, and would be pulled this way and that by inferior doctrines and sin. I even sinned so egregiously as to be baptized twice, which made poor witness to the penal substitutionary atonement of Christ. Yet, God had ordained that he would preserve me in the faith. One of his instruments was the gift of my own son, which convicted my conscience and spurred me on the path of perseverance. I remain in the Lord to this day. In his grace, perhaps I will always enjoy his saving powers of election, even though I commune with those Lutherans, who be so dangerously close to the papists.

Romish Translation

Although I was reared in the wild hinterlands outside the catholic church, word came to me of Christ's sacrifice through humble country people. Therefore I was enlightened and able to exercise my faith in him from an early age. I was baptized in the triune name. I was taught many heresies, and committed many grievous sins which imperiled my soul, but I stubbornly persisted in works, most important of which was the fathering of my own son, and my catechizing him in my admittedly crude faith. Today I continue to have an eager yet ignorant enthusiasm for Christ, and I commune with those heretical Lutherans. Perhaps some lovely catholic soul will yet show me my error and I will be received into the true church, where I can participate in Christ's sacrifice over and over again, as I properly should.

Spirit Slain Translation

Oogy wawa pretext, mahathes bedad below begaz. OHE OHE OHE OHE OHE OHE. Getrimony parsnip antidisestablishmentarianism (*^(H*^).

Spirit War Translation

I was filled with the Holy Ghost at five years old, and got saved. I wandered in the wilderness many years since then as a carnal Christian. Perhaps if I had spoken in tongues, I would have been able to resist the demons. Yet, God is good, and he fought on my behalf and kept me from falling utterly away. Today I continue to struggle with many demons, foremost of which is the anxiety that I might not be living holy enough, or I might not have enough faith to be spiritual. But there is still hope for me! I had my own boy, and I am praying with him and blessing him every day. Therefore I am establishing a stronghold against Satan, and walking faithfully in the Lord. Hopefully I can completely stop sinning and make things even better.

TBN Translation

Praise God! I got saved when I was little. God was just so good to me. I was poor, which was a problem, but God was still pretty good to me anyway. However when I was a young man, I didn't hang out with Christians as much as I should have, because I lost the joy of salvation. I may not have even been saved! But I have just got to get over all that negative, and focus on the positive. I have got to stop beating on myself. I didn't have much faith or righteousness. I had a little boy but got divorced, probably because I wasn't walking in obedience to God. But I'll stop beating on myself! I have to think about the good things in life. God doesn't want me to be sad, he wants me to be happy! Yay God!

Universalist Translation

I was raised as a fundamentalist, thinking Jesus was the only way to heaven. Although this was regrettable, we shouldn't blame my parents, because that's just how those simple people were in those days, and besides, I didn't have a choice in the matter. My faith journey was very diverse when growing up, and I tried many different choices. When I entered the parenting life stage, I began to develop a new appreciation for my roots, and I chose to explore them again. My wife chose to seek love elsewhere, which was painful, yet I wish her all the best in her search for wholeness. I currently choose to exercise my faith with the Lutherans, who are interesting folks who like beer and J.S. Bach. Unfortunately, I remain a Trinitarian Exclusivist, but perhaps if enough tolerant people surround me, I will not endanger world peace.

Wicca Translation

Blessed be and merry meet! I came under the sway of the Palestinian prophet Jesus when I was but a wee child. In this womb I was nourished. I journeyed far into the field and enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh for years, but the crises of life brought me back to study this prophet. I decided he was not mad and his followers were not deceivers, so I have chosen to break bread with these people and be one of them. I love pagans and sometimes prefer their company to Christians, though I often wonder why pagans do not worship the son of man; I mean, this guy really knew what blood sacrifice was all about, eh?

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