Wash me thoroughly

A Meditation on Repentance

by J.E. Heath

Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin.
For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me.

-Psalm 51:2-3

over me, my Lord. Teach me to hate what I am, and love only what you are.

I hate myself, my Lord. Like a pig, I love nothing more than to wallow in my sin. I hate what I am. I hate what I do. I hate my desires, my lust. I carry my sin wherever I go. It is a load that breaks my body, but I desire it even more. Everything I do is corrupted by my sin. Every breath I take is polluted with sin. My body stinks of sin. If I could see myself with your eyes, I would be disgusted.

I am so surrounded by sin, so covered by sin that it smells good to me. I crave it. I hide it from others. I close my door and turn out my lights. I play duel roles, my Lord. I am one thing in public, another in private. No one knows my sin, but you see it all.

Like any hypocrite, I flee from the light which exposes my sin. I lie to myself. I try to explain away my sin, calling it "natural," or "normal." My Lord, it is natural and normal, for sin is natural and normal for man. My God, it should not be. You want so much more for us.

What is worse, my Father, is I have abused your grace. I have taken it for granted. I have treated it as a license which I have earned, not as a gift which you have earned and given to me, though I do not deserve it.

Because of my pride, you have become humble. Because of my rebellion, you have become obedient. In the face of my anger, you show only mercy. You have given your broken body to heal my broken body.

God, why do you hold to me so tightly? Just let me go away from you! Your light burns my flesh! Your love is too great for me! My God, why do you hold to me so tightly? Just let me go away!

Oh God, teach me to love you as you love me. Teach me to hide no more.

I am not worthy of the gifts you give. I am not worthy for you to take my burden upon yourself. I cannot escape your light. I bow my broken body to you. I am yours. Heal me. Restore me. Save me. Let your light burn my flesh away. Let me see the right way. Let your love heal the wounds of my sin.

The taste of your body and blood still lingers upon my tongue, and I know I am guilty of your blood. Yet the blood that I spilled now washes me, and you remember my sins no more. I have no words to describe your love.

Lord God, here I am. Take me. I'll follow you. Strip me naked and take me.

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